An Ode to the ‚Dark night of the soul‘

Someone asked me the other day why I seem to look so melancholic on most of my pictures. And why I don’t write more happy songs. Which fits well into the „simply-vibe-yourself-up-with-some-positive-thoughts“- agenda that is so popular right now. Well, I felt into this and figured: It seems like I am here to speak about those things that most of us numb ourselves from.

Unfulfilled love, broken hearts, traumatic experiences, pain, the fear of dying, addiction, the longing for meaning in life and a deeper sense of purpose. Yes, at our core there is happiness and peace and silence. Yet most of us have built shields around their hearts that are meant to protect us, not allowing true vulnerability. We are shielding ourselves from feeling all the shame, fear and fault that developed as part of our upbringing. It might be different for each and every one of us, yet most of us have a wounded inner child inside of them which we don’t really dare to face in all its pain and despair. We rather numb ourselves with drugs, food, sex, too much work, drama addiction … whatever prevents us from simply feeling. And we stop living as our authentic selves, because we are so busy putting on masks, happy faces, careers, spiritual egos, rather than admitting our vulnerability.

But what I have learned: There is no way of bypassing  this. Because the unfelt feelings are going to have an effect on your life, your relationships, your success, your feeling of liveliness anyway. If we try to suppress the emotions, they will magnify, linger, and haunt us, and they will continue to simmer on the surface. They come along with limiting beliefs and doubts that we believe to be true and so we allow these beliefs to have an impact on how we live our lives. The collective pressure is caused by the weight of our denied and repressed emotions, and our inability or refusal to connect with our core selves.

Truth is: This Christmas was a challenge

So, truth this Christmas is: This is me taking selfies in my bathroom on christmas eve to boost my ego after I realized that I created a christmas to re-inforce a trauma which I had not been aware of as such. I remember a couple of X-mases in my childhood-life where I deeply missed my father. I just wanted to celebrate with the man that I loved most at this time. But he had just remarried without inviting me to his wedding and he spend christmas with his new family. This might not seem like a big deal, but as a child I remember feeling so unloved, not worthy of spending time with, not wanted. And more so: Rejected. And betrayed. For me it felt like dying because one of my two main bonding partners did not ‚want‘ me. Without any further notice. 

So many many christmases later, this year so to speak, a similar situation occured, not with my parents but with other protagonists. And even though I had loved ones around me, the feeling of rejection and betrayal pondered in my heart severely. I felt it falling apart and panic rising. I could not get a hold of my rational adult mind, telling me that I was safe. And loved. And protected. And then I started to judge myself: „Why could I just not get my guts together and have a happy christmas?“ And the judgement made it worse. I wanted to call someone to ease the pain, which I did, but the pain got worse because I did not seem to be understood. So what next? Drink some more wine. Eat chocolate. Watch a series. Well, all of the above. Up until I laid down and surrendered, letting all these feelings flush through me. These feelings of being left alone, the fear that it might always stay this way. maybe for the first time ever allowing myself to feel it all . Which was nasty. But afterwards I felt relieved, more calm, more within myself rather than like a victim to the outer circumstances. A painful catalyst forcing me to move into a new direction.

The job is on us

Well, we might wait for a guru to take away our pain and our fears. Our soulmate. The next workshop. Or the next step in our career. But actually nothing external can ‚do the job‘ for us. I mean, to be honest, I have been booking seminar after seminar, also out of curiosity but mainly because I wanted to escape the pain inside my heart. Many times I thought ‚Uh, I think now I got this‘ just until two weeks of integrational process passed and it seemed like I had just arrived at the same spot again. Because in day to day life again I chose the pattern of not feeling deeply, of numbing myself again. I mean, it happens. And there is nothing wrong with it. Except that I could feel my heart tightening up again and again. Feeling the subtle feeling of not really being alive. You might know what I am talking about, right? 

We fear the journey. Because somehow we know it is not always going to be a pleasant one. It means letting go of what no longer serves us. Of false illusions. The dark night removes the delusions that caused us to believe that who we were and what we experienced up until then was all “reality.”But although we may feel recklessly abandoned and alone, it is through our loneliness that we start to see with clarity who we are and where we are journeying.

So if 2021 is starting with any pledge at all, might it be this one: To honesty. To authenticity. To our wounded hearts that are here to heal. And to daring to feel purely, letting the waves of emotions dwell by, wave after wave, one after the other for every felt pain and every fear and every sorrow makes our heart expand and be more open for joy. And love. And peace.

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